prjkthack

There are so many things that I wish I could say. Its just so hard to find the right words. Sometimes I think that there are no words for what I really feel… and that its meant to be that way. That its meant for me to stay closed and never have the chance to lift the burdens that I hold inside.

Usually when I speak about ‘talking’, its usually someone else doing most of the talking while I make short (and sometimes inconsiderate) remarks. There really hasn’t been a time when I could just say the things that I want to, or at least try to explain. Maybe I’ll try, but other things just so happen to get in the way. I’m emo… and that probably will never change. The only difference now is that I show it a lot less. Its hidden so well that there is rarely a time when everyone else has to focus their attention on me. I love it when they do, but I hate it when that happens. Does that make sense? I feel so awesome to have people around me, but I feel like a selfish brat looking for attention. It makes me feel so good… but so horrible at the same time.

See… I can’t explain what I want to say. Its difficult. Its painful.

I love listening to Daniel. He makes conversations so interesting and lively, but hes still focused on the topic. He is definitely one weird person, but thats what makes our conversations so interesting. I just love Kristin. She manages to make me smile everytime… even when I feel so disconnected. Eric is top-tier when it comes to maturity, and it shows in our conversations. He understands so well, and is such a dork… but he just has this welcoming and cool appearance that makes me feel so comfortable. Pat is a warm person, who also makes me smile… but I feel so bad that most of the words out of my mouth are harsh ones. It seems like he is trying to embrace me, but I manage to move him further away. Robyn seems to enjoy spending time with me, and she also manages to make me very happy.

Matt, Jon, Sean, Lauren, Sean, Romie, Joshua, Rosa, Dotty, Mike, Alton, Trisha, Sophie, Chris, Erin, Alex, Mark, Sumai… all these people. I always wonder why I can’t simply be satisfied with this. I know I don’t need more… but I want more. I know that this is pretty much as good as it gets… but I want it to get better.

Tell me what I need to do…

Permalink  ·  05.24.05, 03:30 AM  ·  Tags: friends, personal

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