prjkthack

Saturday July 16, 2005
In The Clear

I know I am not in the clear. I know that very well. Everyone has done something that they wish they had not done, or said something that they wish had not been said. I know I’ve had my share. But your only hearing the situation from one side. You spoke as if I meant almost nothing. As much as you seem to know, you really know nothing (except for what you know about your significant other). You weren’t there when these things happened, you certainly don’t realize or understand how I feel. Yet you continue to speak as if you were almighty. Sometimes I even think your almighty… as do many others.

A lot of things have happened between me and them. There is no good without the bad. And while I certainly have done my share of bad things, they have as well. Do you know how many nights I’ve spent crying over them? Over small minor incidents, or huge fallouts? If you say that their trust in me has fallen over these past few years, you can’t begin to imagine how much my trust… and everything else… has fallen in those people both during and after the relationship. I might have said something vulgar once or twice, but they have failed me, disappointed me, beat me, and thrown me away in so many cases that I can’t even count. Yet I continued to stay with them. Yet I continued to go back to them. Why? At the time I had no one else. I was emotionally unstable to the point of suicide. I honestly believed that they were my friends, and that they actually cared. My emotions blinded me to most of the facts… but I didn’t realize any of that at the time.

There is no way I can believe that I’m completely ‘in the clear’ when it comes to our experiences and relationships as a whole. Thats never what I meant to say. You just replied so quickly that I didn’t get time to finish thinking and replying, and you jumped to a conclusion. When it comes to specific incidents, I can definitely say that I’m either guilty or in the clear, because I know what did or did not happen.

As for the turning off the computer. I did not realize that there were background applications running. If I had, I would’ve asked. But with Daniel, the most I ever see him do on the computer is browse the Internet, which doesn’t dissolve when the computer is turned off. With that in mind, I knew that websites will always be there to browse again. I wasn’t completely sure, but the dominant thought in my mind is that I wanted to help Marc. That meant I had to get into the system one way or another, and Daniel wasn’t around. After he had told me that there were things running in the background, I apologized. I apologized multiple times even. I felt so horrible about it that I just had to get away for a little while to think about what I’ve done.

You know when your parents tell you to sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done? Well I was one of the few kids in the world that actually did that, and not daydream about video games or playing outside until Mom said it’s okay to leave the corner. I honestly felt horrible, and I certainly couldn’t sit around everyone, especially the person who I just wronged, and smile. I put myself into time-out. I was not given the chance to do so. Everyone immediately followed me to no end. I asked to be left alone, nicely. And while it might not have been a firm request, I’m not known for my firm requests and demands. I figured if I ask nicely, I’ll get the alone-time I needed. That failed, horribly I might add.

So that brings me to the ‘fuck off’ incident. You resort to violence constantly when you get annoyed. I believe violence is much worse than saying ‘fuck off’ when my only intention was to be left alone. In a certain point of view, your violence is like me saying ‘fuck off’. I was annoyed and bothered to the point where just saying ‘please’ wasn’t enough. I had already exercised that word countless times that night, and I failed to achieve success with that method. I just wanted to be left alone. Yes I know they were bothering me because they cared. I’ve told Aaron, and I believe most everyone else, many times that I just need to be left alone for a while when I’m angry or not in a good mood. That if you just leave me alone for a bit, I can think about what went on, and I can walk back in and talk about it, or forget about it. I mean, there is a reason I decided to separate myself from everyone after what happened. I wanted to be alone. So Daniel’s faith in me fell when I said ‘fuck off’? Well there have been so many incidents where my faith in Daniel fell because of things I’ve witnessed, or things that he has done. While I wasn’t completely in the clear, I wasn’t completely in the wrong at that time either… and I know that. I was never in the clear, but neither were the rest of them. I guess requesting that they leave me alone was too much to ask? It sure seemed that way. Which is why I had to be 100% firm with my request, hence the foul language.

As for money, rarely did I ever ask them to spot me, or treat me. It was their complete decision to do so, and I would usually decline until they finally talked me into it. Can you believe that? They had to talk me into spending their money on me. I feel horrible when someone spends money on me, be it for a soda or anything else. But its all their decision. I would be fine with waiting outside the theater for 2 hours, or not eating. So what about my money? I don’t hear them complaining when I buy them dinner or a Starbucks. They always ask me to treat them or something, without any hesitation, or any remorse. Aaron would always give me a subtle-but-sly hint that he would like something, and I have no problem offering him that something. After all, we’re friends right? I helped Rven pay for the DVD he wanted to get when no one else would. I was the last one he asked, everyone else had already said no, and I said sure. After all, we’re friends right? Then when anyone would say that they will pay me back, I would always say, ‘Don’t worry about it!’ After all… we’re friends, right?

They can complain all they want about me not having money to hang, but most of the time, the reason I don’t have money is because I spent it on them the night before.

Despite all the horrible things that have happened, there are many great things. I choose to put my faith and belief into those wonderful things. The things that always made me so willing to hang with Aaron night after night. The things that always made me want to talk with Daniel. The things that always made me walk over to Rven’s house. While they have chosen to hold the bad things high up in the air, I’ve learned that nothing good will come out of that. Nothing good has come out of that.

Anyway, that was a great conversation Donna. After not talking for such a long time, its good to know there are still people out there with some understanding and sense.

Permalink  ·  07.16.05, 04:34 PM  ·  Tags: personal, rants

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