Compromise
      Saturday March 08, 2008

“Somedays I feel like shit.”

I look at you, and I wish that I had more to say sometimes. I’m not a talkative person - you know that - but I still feel like I should have more to say. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say or I don’t feel anything, I just express it in different ways. I keep to myself more often than not because it allows me to think about everything. Analyze it, poke it, and hopefully come to some kind of conclusion.

I had always believed that things were going well. Very well to tell the truth. I wasn’t aware of what was going on, and I feel terrible about that. I wish I weren’t so absent minded. I wish I weren’t so oblivious. It’d make me a better person… more attentive, maybe even more passionate. I don’t know. I can wish all these things but really, it doesn’t do a darn thing. I have to do something about it - and I am, really. I don’t work quickly though. I get locked into a mode and that’s how it is for a while. Slowly i’ll get out of it. It’s not a matter of that’s how things work, it’s how I work.

I’m kind of just rambling. I don’t even know why I’m typing out all of this. Maybe because it makes me feel better. I don’t write enough anymore. I don’t do much of what I like to do anymore. That’s not your fault, it’s mine. I’m changing (or trying to). I’m changing for you - I wish you’d do more of that for me sometimes. You’d probably argue that you do, but I’m talking about something else that I can’t explain or elaborate on. I hate not having the words for what I feel.

I want you to be happy. If you can’t be that with me, then I probably shouldn’t be around. I would hate myself for dragging you down because of my selfish love. I wish I knew what to do.

I haven’t had Pho in a long time. I really want some.