prjkthack

Saturday June 02, 2007
Progress

Progress.

It’s a word that I’ve used for years now. A feeling, or mentality that I hoped would embrace me and take me to new places. A dream that I hoped I would be able to catch. A family that I wished I could have been part of. A person I wish I could have loved.

I think of the word now and realize that it hasn’t really been any of those things. Its this static entity in my life, always taunting me, never moving. Its always something so far away from where I stood. Something I never can touch, or feel, or be near.

Maybe I hoped that repeating it would get me somewhere. Maybe I hoped that it would be delivered to me after I had believed in it so much.

Every time I thought that I had taken a step forward, I really didn’t go anywhere. It’s like I’ve been running around in circles, falling over, tripping on obstacles, hitting walls…

I don’t know what I should be doing. I don’t understand any of the things that I feel. There aren’t many people I can put my faith in. Things really aren’t going anywhere.

Truth is, I don’t want to progress. I want things to stay the way they are. I’m happy being depressed. I’m content with the here and now. I love crying every night for the smallest reasons. I don’t want to stop worrying about everything around me.

That’s who I am. It’s who I want to continue to be.

Maybe that’s what progress really is for me? Maybe I’ll never know. I only hope that everyone else can accept me not only for who I am, but who I choose to be.

Permalink  ·  06.02.07, 12:44 AM  ·  Tags: personal

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