Stuff from June 2007.

Progress
Saturday June 02, 2007

Progress.

It’s a word that I’ve used for years now. A feeling, or mentality that I hoped would embrace me and take me to new places. A dream that I hoped I would be able to catch. A family that I wished I could have been part of. A person I wish I could have loved.

I think of the word now and realize that it hasn’t really been any of those things. Its this static entity in my life, always taunting me, never moving. Its always something so far away from where I stood. Something I never can touch, or feel, or be near.

Maybe I hoped that repeating it would get me somewhere. Maybe I hoped that it would be delivered to me after I had believed in it so much.

Every time I thought that I had taken a step forward, I really didn’t go anywhere. It’s like I’ve been running around in circles, falling over, tripping on obstacles, hitting walls…

I don’t know what I should be doing. I don’t understand any of the things that I feel. There aren’t many people I can put my faith in. Things really aren’t going anywhere.

Truth is, I don’t want to progress. I want things to stay the way they are. I’m happy being depressed. I’m content with the here and now. I love crying every night for the smallest reasons. I don’t want to stop worrying about everything around me.

That’s who I am. It’s who I want to continue to be.

Maybe that’s what progress really is for me? Maybe I’ll never know. I only hope that everyone else can accept me not only for who I am, but who I choose to be.

Confessions
Saturday June 23, 2007

I like reading confessions and knowing that my thoughts just aren’t my own. That others share my hopes and dreams, my faults and my problems. That I’m not alone. It makes me feel better.

“I hope when you see me, you smile just as much as I do when I see you.”

At the same time though, I find it utterly pointless. Yeah, just saying stuff can be good, but why not just say it to those who should be hearing it?

Fear. The fear that a few words could change everything - for better or for worse.

I know because I’m scared too. I want everyone else to tell me exactly what they’re thinking, yet at the same time, I don’t. Anything that they say could turn my world around. Then when it comes to me expressing how I really feel, I opt not to. Choosing instead to bottle it all inside until I get fed up. Then it comes out more harsh than how it originally should have. I’m terrified of what may happen. I’m terrified of the guilt, and the sadness, and of all the horrible things that I’ll feel afterward.

“i’m scared you’ll realize i’m not as great as you make me out to be”

It’s hard to ignore the worst case scenario. It’s always glaring right at you… taunting you. Telling you that if you say even one word, that everything will fall apart.

I’ve made some progress in dealing with that fear. I’m much more open to actually say how I feel, regardless of what might happen afterward. Maybe that’s all because of recent events, or maybe it’s simply because I’m growing.
—-

I want to be able to hold you, and say how much I love you. I want you to want to hold me and tell me how much you love me. I want to stay up at all hours of the night and just hear you breathe.

I’m here for you, and I hope you’ll be there for me for a long time to come.

“for once i want some one to think i’m the one worth fighting for…”

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