Stuff from August 2005.

Dramatic
Wednesday August 03, 2005

I used to wish for a place… a place where I can think. A place where the sky would be so blue that I’d cry. Somewhere where friends can easily pass by, stop, and think with me. A place like that never existed anywhere but in my heart.

Many things have changed recently. The warmth of old friends, the breeze that carries new ones. The passing of my best friend, and the embrace of family. I used to think about such sad things… things that would only cause pain and create tears. With the change of times comes a gathering of emotions.

With all of this, I only feel more lost. Lost and wandering aimlessly for a hope that I’ve never had. A hope that continuously evades my every attempt at a stable existence. I keep believing in such a fickle light. In something that may or may not become my reality. Maybe because I see so many other people with that light. So I think, maybe one day I can have that light too. Maybe one day it’ll burn bright on my path. Maybe one day I won’t have to hope or believe… that all the time I’ve spent hoping or believing will finally pay off.

Yet, my hopes and beliefs are shrouded in darkness. A simple, static existence with nowhere to go, and no one to turn to. It hurts so much. This world I live in. The people around me. The things that have faded. The hopes that have dried up with my tears.

In the end, I’m the only part of me left. I exist, only to wish that I didn’t.

Buster
Friday August 05, 2005

Sometimes I just don’t get whats going on in this group. I mean most of it I can figure out easily, but other times it needs explanation. Sometimes everyone is mad at each other, and sometimes we all love each other. I guess its just a little weird…

I really don’t know about camping. I just don’t feel completely comfortable. It’s nice to hear people want me to come though. I just… don’t know!

I bought .hack//AI buster today… after finding out that it was just released. I thought it was a manga, but it turns out to be a novel. Its .hack so I guess I can get through it. Still, I never thought I’d get to read AI buster, so I’m happy. Saw Chauncy at Circuit City… and then said hi to Noland at Jelly’s. Stopped by Toys n’ Joys so Kara could get some random Naruto toys. I saw the Nintendogs boxes and went crazy. I can’t wait for the 22nd.

I don’t know. I just feel a little irritated. That’s a rare feeling for me. I’ve finally changed, but it almost feels as if I changed too much… almost beyond the point of reintegration. Damn I’m tired.

I miss you Kristin.

Conversation
Monday August 08, 2005

I guess the high points of this weekend were the conversations that ran through the campsite. It was definitely interesting to hear everyone’s opinions, and to hear anything else. I didn’t really speak much, I listened more. Listening is probably what I do best.

But there were just so many horrible moments throughout the weekend. I hate seeing Terrell drink… period. It doesn’t matter anymore if its for leisure of because of depression. Terrell gets drunk VERY easily, and thats not good at any time. He acts completely out of character, and I can’t do anything even though I’m so close. I’m not stronger than him, so I can’t take away the substances. I ask him to stop, and he continuously feeds me lies. I’m not sure if I can stand being around him when all he does is drink. I want to be there… but at the same time I have to think about myself as well. If something isn’t making me happy, I’m not sticking around.

I don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I felt so emotional. Then the past week and this weekend have sort of brought it all back. But then there were a lot of good things as well. I can’t balance it all out and I don’t understand why or where I need to go.

I want to save you, I just don’t know how.

Would Have Been
Tuesday August 16, 2005

I believe today probably will be one of the worst. I still cry over it every couple of nights, thinking of things that I could’ve or should’ve done. Its all futile in the end since I can’t do anything anymore.

He would have been nine years old today. Nine wonderful years of biscuits and hugs, Eukanuba and kisses.

I miss him so damn much. I’m thinking of you Buddy…

Time to Play
Wednesday August 24, 2005

So today, I picked up Nintendogs, and also picked up Advance Wars DS. Probably the best games currently available for the Nintendo DS.

I won’t write much about them here… I mean, thats what my Nintendo Blog is specifically for. I started a Nintendog Blog in that section, so as soon as I begin to post stuff it’ll happen there. I’ll also post my personal reviews on both games when I complete them (or at least play through it as much as possible, in Nintendog’s case).

Besides that, I met Marc, who is a very interesting person. He has a good personality… likes the Zelda series… is older than I initially thought, and says tomato in a werid way. Anyway, we ate dinner, enjoyed time, had lots of laughs. Walked around Waikiki for an hour… where some eventful things occured.

At the same time, Julie and Kara left. Julie returned to California, and Kara went along with her. Kara will return soon, and I hope Julie comes back soon. We need to make our ‘Japan’!

This is one of those days where I’m both really happy and really sad, and can’t really set my mind on one or the other.

Renew
Wednesday August 31, 2005

I’ve been feeling really tired for the past few days. I’m not so sure why. Maybe because I came home at 4 AM on Saturday (make that Sunday)... maybe because I came home at 2 AM last Friday (I mean Saturday).. maybe its just because of some recent events…

I’ve haven’t slept much since the weekend. I’ve had to tend to my Nintendog, continue the campaign against the Black Hole army, kick some butt in Guilty Gear X2, finish off a bunch of anime that are still waiting to be finished. I don’t know, of course, besides all that stuff, there is also normal life that needs attending.

But today, I slept for most of the day. I feel quite renewed, although some video games I played earlier made me tired again. I’ve got one more episode of Peach Girl to go, a Nintendog to walk, anime to download, a room to clean, and a website to update.

The life of an otaku is quite hectic.

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