Stuff from July 2005.

To Hell
Friday July 01, 2005

Damn, everyone’s English has gone to hell. I mean you can barely understand what people type, and their grammar needs major work. Did you all go to school for nothing?

Oh! I found that abomination that ‘N’ was wearing. It was at Hot Topic, damn was it even uglier in person!

War of the Worlds was good. I found it to be fun and exciting, but I didn’t think it was ‘epic’ material. The ending wasn’t the best either. This is coming from a person who hasn’t seen the original, mind you. Howl’s Moving Castle was very good. It was sweet, and dark at the same time. I enjoyed it very much!

Trying to make some changes. Oh, did I mention I’m now the Operations Director for Kawaii Kon? Hella awesome, thats all I have to say. Can’t wait for next year already! Oh, registration is now open for those who really want to grab the discount and be ready early!

Birthdays
Friday July 08, 2005

There seems to be a lot of birthdays this month. Happy Birthday Ken, Lauren, and Alex. There are bound to be more, but uh, I don’t memorize them all.

Anyway, went to D&B last night. I think they overcharged me for my salad. It was fun, but D&B has no games to play really. They are all old, or ones that I’ve played through over and over. Eric dropped by, some of Ken’s family, as well as Sophie and Zane. It was quite fun, and eventful. We certainly made a scene and blocked the paths of many D&B patrons. But it was all fun.

Maybe my next DS purchase will be Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan. It looks really interesting, and it doesn’t have tons of Japanese text. I looks really fun too!

Music music music! I love Yuki Kajiura!

Anyway! I’m feeling kind of sick… so maybe I’ll rest and play some DS or MP2.

Comfortable
Monday July 11, 2005

So this weekend was pretty damn eventful. I had lots of fun, as always.

Saturday was all about Kristin. We stayed at the apartment in the hopes of going hiking, but the weather was very iffy, and so were our choices. Nothing was really close or worthwhile, so we stayed in the apartment for most of the day and watched some television. Then, we walked down to Pearlridge to just walk around. We saw Dark Water, which wasn’t very good. I thought it was going to be good, but it only provided some entertainment. Then we visited some stores, ate some food, visited Arnold at Suncoast, walked around some more, headed in the maze (backwards), then walked back to the apartment. It was a really nice and quiet night, so we thought, why not take a dip in the pool? We quickly changed, and headed for the pool. It’s a really nice pool, with heated water, and a very spacious deck. We sat, and talked at how absolutely awesome the pool was (and about why we haven’t done this before), then realized that we forgot towels. We walked back and grabbed some towels, and then walked back to the pool. Then we just got in. It was comfortable enough for me to just hop in, while Kristin gracefully took the stairs.

We played around, swam back and forth, did a few ‘Blanca’ tumbles, got water in our noses, and just chilled. It was very comfortable, and it was nice that it was just the two of us. Then we decided that we wanted to watch hentai. So we called Joshua and made him bring over his laptop and anime so we can partake of his collection of hentai. From then on, we stayed up the entire night and laughed and joked. Although hentai isn’t my type of anime, I find it fun to watch with other people who like to crack jokes and make fun… we even attempted to analyze what little storyline the hentai had.

Sunday was all about Ice Palace. I headed out with Daniel and met up with Joshua, Kristin, Sophie, Ken, Jen, Mark, and a few other people. We stayed at Ice Palace from 5 to closing. Just like any other visit to Ice Palace, skating on a cold surface quickly became old. Though it did seem a little more lasting with all these great people. Come to find out that Joshua and Sophie aren’t ticklish, so I got punished with a wave of laughter and couldn’t fight back. Torture… complete torture. I ended up pushing Sophie around the ice, which she didn’t enjoy (payback!).

I think I saw Leano at Pearlridge on Saturday. I only had a quick glance, but I’m pretty sure it was him. Though I didn’t get a chance to say hello… still it was nice to see him. I was going to run to say hi, but by the time I realized it, he had disappeared. I saw some other people around too, that I had not seen in a while. Hope you all are doing well!

Happy birthday Justin!

It was just a great overall weekend.

Dark Sky
Friday July 15, 2005

Yeah, I know. I changed it again, right? Well I got tired of the ‘really simple’ design and tried to work on it a little. I changed many pages, redesigned some areas, and introduced a new ‘theme’ system. You can now choose from one of my custom made themes, to replace the default one. Although this release changes just about everything about The Hack Project 2.0, I’m not going to consider it a major release. Its still 2.0, just with a different skin and few changed features. You’ll find most of it to be quite familiar.

I also realize I haven’t been adding photos much. I’m working on that… I’ve been fiddling with themes and schemes so much that I haven’t had time to organize my newer photos. I’ll add them in the coming weeks. You don’t know how many design ideas and themes I’ve trashed in the past few weeks…

Anyway! This design certainly isn’t final. I’ve got more changes planned, and improvements to the theme system. Enjoy! Thanks for visiting and reading!

In The Clear
Saturday July 16, 2005

I know I am not in the clear. I know that very well. Everyone has done something that they wish they had not done, or said something that they wish had not been said. I know I’ve had my share. But your only hearing the situation from one side. You spoke as if I meant almost nothing. As much as you seem to know, you really know nothing (except for what you know about your significant other). You weren’t there when these things happened, you certainly don’t realize or understand how I feel. Yet you continue to speak as if you were almighty. Sometimes I even think your almighty… as do many others.

A lot of things have happened between me and them. There is no good without the bad. And while I certainly have done my share of bad things, they have as well. Do you know how many nights I’ve spent crying over them? Over small minor incidents, or huge fallouts? If you say that their trust in me has fallen over these past few years, you can’t begin to imagine how much my trust… and everything else… has fallen in those people both during and after the relationship. I might have said something vulgar once or twice, but they have failed me, disappointed me, beat me, and thrown me away in so many cases that I can’t even count. Yet I continued to stay with them. Yet I continued to go back to them. Why? At the time I had no one else. I was emotionally unstable to the point of suicide. I honestly believed that they were my friends, and that they actually cared. My emotions blinded me to most of the facts… but I didn’t realize any of that at the time.

There is no way I can believe that I’m completely ‘in the clear’ when it comes to our experiences and relationships as a whole. Thats never what I meant to say. You just replied so quickly that I didn’t get time to finish thinking and replying, and you jumped to a conclusion. When it comes to specific incidents, I can definitely say that I’m either guilty or in the clear, because I know what did or did not happen.

As for the turning off the computer. I did not realize that there were background applications running. If I had, I would’ve asked. But with Daniel, the most I ever see him do on the computer is browse the Internet, which doesn’t dissolve when the computer is turned off. With that in mind, I knew that websites will always be there to browse again. I wasn’t completely sure, but the dominant thought in my mind is that I wanted to help Marc. That meant I had to get into the system one way or another, and Daniel wasn’t around. After he had told me that there were things running in the background, I apologized. I apologized multiple times even. I felt so horrible about it that I just had to get away for a little while to think about what I’ve done.

You know when your parents tell you to sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done? Well I was one of the few kids in the world that actually did that, and not daydream about video games or playing outside until Mom said it’s okay to leave the corner. I honestly felt horrible, and I certainly couldn’t sit around everyone, especially the person who I just wronged, and smile. I put myself into time-out. I was not given the chance to do so. Everyone immediately followed me to no end. I asked to be left alone, nicely. And while it might not have been a firm request, I’m not known for my firm requests and demands. I figured if I ask nicely, I’ll get the alone-time I needed. That failed, horribly I might add.

So that brings me to the ‘fuck off’ incident. You resort to violence constantly when you get annoyed. I believe violence is much worse than saying ‘fuck off’ when my only intention was to be left alone. In a certain point of view, your violence is like me saying ‘fuck off’. I was annoyed and bothered to the point where just saying ‘please’ wasn’t enough. I had already exercised that word countless times that night, and I failed to achieve success with that method. I just wanted to be left alone. Yes I know they were bothering me because they cared. I’ve told Aaron, and I believe most everyone else, many times that I just need to be left alone for a while when I’m angry or not in a good mood. That if you just leave me alone for a bit, I can think about what went on, and I can walk back in and talk about it, or forget about it. I mean, there is a reason I decided to separate myself from everyone after what happened. I wanted to be alone. So Daniel’s faith in me fell when I said ‘fuck off’? Well there have been so many incidents where my faith in Daniel fell because of things I’ve witnessed, or things that he has done. While I wasn’t completely in the clear, I wasn’t completely in the wrong at that time either… and I know that. I was never in the clear, but neither were the rest of them. I guess requesting that they leave me alone was too much to ask? It sure seemed that way. Which is why I had to be 100% firm with my request, hence the foul language.

As for money, rarely did I ever ask them to spot me, or treat me. It was their complete decision to do so, and I would usually decline until they finally talked me into it. Can you believe that? They had to talk me into spending their money on me. I feel horrible when someone spends money on me, be it for a soda or anything else. But its all their decision. I would be fine with waiting outside the theater for 2 hours, or not eating. So what about my money? I don’t hear them complaining when I buy them dinner or a Starbucks. They always ask me to treat them or something, without any hesitation, or any remorse. Aaron would always give me a subtle-but-sly hint that he would like something, and I have no problem offering him that something. After all, we’re friends right? I helped Rven pay for the DVD he wanted to get when no one else would. I was the last one he asked, everyone else had already said no, and I said sure. After all, we’re friends right? Then when anyone would say that they will pay me back, I would always say, ‘Don’t worry about it!’ After all… we’re friends, right?

They can complain all they want about me not having money to hang, but most of the time, the reason I don’t have money is because I spent it on them the night before.

Despite all the horrible things that have happened, there are many great things. I choose to put my faith and belief into those wonderful things. The things that always made me so willing to hang with Aaron night after night. The things that always made me want to talk with Daniel. The things that always made me walk over to Rven’s house. While they have chosen to hold the bad things high up in the air, I’ve learned that nothing good will come out of that. Nothing good has come out of that.

Anyway, that was a great conversation Donna. After not talking for such a long time, its good to know there are still people out there with some understanding and sense.

Well of Tears
Monday July 25, 2005

My life is full of things that can make me cry. I cry during movies, and during anime. I cry because of old memories, or sad events. Yet despite there being so much to cry about, there are only a few things that I find make me cry so often, so much.

I’ve cried during so many different anime, too many to list.
One of my high school yearbooks has something written by Molly. I cry every time I read what she wrote.
I cry when looking at pictures I’ve taken throughout my life. Old ones, even recent ones.
Now, I cry the tears that Kristin keeps bottled inside. I’d gladly drown in them if it means her happiness.

I think I’ve cried so much throughout my life, that its hard to believe that I still have tears left to cry. I’m not sure if everything in my life is just so overwhelming that its just natural, or if the memories of times past have built a well of tears. I know that without my tears, I definitely wouldn’t be who I am.

Sorry. I felt like watching an anime, and I ended up watching the last episode of something over again. Despite seeing it over and over, it made me cry again. So I was compelled to write something.

bokura wa mou yume o minai, tomadoi nagara te o totte
zankokuna yoake no hou he, arukidasu

Walk With Me
Tuesday July 26, 2005

Each second I became closer to home, more and more tears fell from my face. There were many points where I thought that I would just not go home, and maybe avoid the situation entirely. But my motivation to return home was but one dog, Buddy.

When I returned home, I immediately ignored the front door. I headed toward the back yard, where Buddy was laid to rest. I immediately located the spot where he is… I stopped for a few seconds. I then turned around, tears falling in full force, and headed for the front door. I hit the door, in an attempt to relieve some of my sadness. Nothing prepared me for what happened. I knew I would cry when I got home, but I didn’t think I would have cried so much, for so long. I had done enough earlier in the day, I thought. But it was like I was hearing about it for the first time. I could not stop the tears, and could not get the fact that he’s gone out of my mind.

I paused for a few minutes in my room, and then headed for the back yard again. I sat in front of his resting place and cried. Tears fell on the dirt below my feet. Then I finally said something…

“I’m sorry Buddy… I’m sorry I’m late…”

It was all I could think about. The fact that I didn’t even get to see him off. He took a walk without me and I he’ll never return. Millions of memories flowed into my mind. I thought, I will never get to hug him again. I will never get to carry him to and from the car. He’ll never shake my hand, or lie down again. I can never tell him to eat his Eukanuba, or ask if he wants to go ‘bye bye’. He’ll never again see his friends and family, and we’ll never again see him. I don’t remember the last time I shook his paw. I don’t remember the last time I heard him bark. I don’t remember the last time he licked my face, or the last time I kissed his forehead.

I repeated “Sorry” over and over. I said ‘Eukanuba’ a few times. I asked him if he wanted to go walking…
I asked him to please go walking with me…
But the one thing I couldn’t say… was ‘Goodbye’. I didn’t want to say it. I still don’t want to.

I just can’t believe he’s gone. Although there are so many good memories… they bring nothing but pain..
And the fact that I couldn’t hold him in his last moments… that hes so incredibly close, yet still so far…
That I couldn’t even see him…

I feel like I killed him. That it was all my fault. That I betrayed him…
... but what am I supposed to do now?

I don’t know what to do. I wanted to save him… I still want to save him.
I want him to be right here next to me…
Barking. Sleeping. Playing. Eating. Anything…

“Please Buddy… go walking with me… please…”
Buddy ~ 1996-2005

Another Chance
Sunday July 31, 2005

So this weekend was, oddly, a blur. I was given the awesome chance to spend time with the people who I had originally grown so fond of, and I took it. Despite a few awkward moments, it turned into a habit that I couldn’t let go. I still can’t let go. Hanging out with Daniel and Aaron were probably the highlights of the weekend. Aaron seemed completely comfortable with me, and while Daniel wasn’t up to snuff, he still played along and carried conversations like a friend. I also had the greatest pleasure of seeing Chris. Despite what my face and reaction said, I was definitely happy and surprised. More than I could express in words (or, as it seems, by facial expression).

For most of the weekend, I forgot about the fact that this entire week had been complete torture. The worst that I have ever had probably. I was able to act just as I did when Buddy used to sleep happily at home. Forgetting him does make me feel bad… and certainly there wasn’t anyplace I went that didn’t have reminders and memories written all over it. Even the people I was with all held some type of connection to Buddy.

We all have connections, some strong than others. Some connections were of the good nature, while others I wish I could forget. But I was glad that for the worst of the situations and issues, we pretty much could all just laugh and shrug it off.

Although, I did cry once for a little while.

Sadly, Terrell officially worries me. My opinions of him have been in a state of flux as well. I can’t help but picture him drinking all the time. I don’t want him, or anyone else drinking at all really. Despite the fact that even I have drank specific substances, I regret every moment of it. I wish it could just be okay… and I wish Terrell just wouldn’t drink…

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