Stuff from May 2005.

The Elite Four
Monday May 09, 2005

So the recent weeks have been real eventful and fun. I love this year, its turning out to be a really awesome one.

Taken from AIM conversation:
Final Ranma: there are 4 top-tier guys
Final Ranma: you, stryiker, eric, shawn
prjkthack: 4 top-tier
prjkthack: im in the top-tier
prjkthack: how the heck do you figure that!?
Final Ranma: then there’s a 2nd tier, but i haven’t figured out who’s in there
Final Ranma: and i’m in the 3rd tier
Final Ranma: you’re cute and extremely nice

I’m a top-tier guy? Thats kinda amazing. Weird and amazing.

Anyway. yesterday was tons of fun, and so was last week at Sousuke’s house. Awesome times. Lots of photos (all up in the Portfolio by the way). I’m tired… and kinda sick too. Talked to Kristin a lot.. so I feel good about her. Yesterday, there were some girls hanging onto me, and that was absolutely amazing. The sunset was really nice. Everyone was just awesome. It was tons of fun. Though I didn’t spend as much time as I wanted to with Kristin. Sigh. There were like 60 people I bet yesterday. Ok, i’m probably just rambling now… geez.

Birthday is very soon. Can’t wait. Hope I’m not really sick then.

Loss
Friday May 20, 2005

Right now I’m at a complete loss of words. Its weird because I usually always have something to say, especially recently. When I talk to Eric, I usually always have something to talk about. With Kristin I feel like I can say almost anything. And I always like to listen and respond to Daniel. So once again, I sit here at a loss for words. Maybe its because of all the good things that have been happening? Maybe its because of the happiness that I feel everyday? Maybe its because I don’t have to worry so much about every little thing?

My 20th birthday is the best one I’ve had in my life. I think that maybe I didn’t look so happy or excited throughout the night, but if I could somehow express my happiness… even that wouldn’t be enough. Just trust me… I was happy.

And lately, all I’ve been is happy. There are always hiccups along this road, but nothing big enough to drag me down. For some reason, I’m almost waiting for the point where I break down and cry for some stupid reason. It hasn’t happened. I’m beginning to think that it just won’t happen. Impossible, right?

Probably. I guess that I’ll just have to live to find out.

Don’t Know
Sunday May 22, 2005

This entry is titled ‘Don’t Know’ because I really don’t know what to title this entry. Therefore this entry is now titled ‘Don’t Know’. I kinda wanted to go swimming, but I’m not feeling the best so maybe I shouldn’t. Though I already have gotten wet. Darn people.

Its getting kind of dark, and I’m getting kind of sick, at least earlier than before. Eric went to work a few hours ago, he said he’ll be back. I finished Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory… it was simply ok. Sophie isn’t very happy with her mother. Ed is coming sooner or later. I’m kind of hungry… hopefully the pizza gets here like SOON!

By the way, Star Wars Episode III was simply okay. It had some nice fight scenes, but the dialogue and acting was just so horrible that I almost couldn’t stand it. Anyway, at least it was better than the first two.

Moonlight
Monday May 23, 2005

I think that it has been quite a while since I just looked up at the moon. On some nights it can be so dark and dreary… but on others it can be the brightest object in the sky. I think its that brightness that continues to pull me through these days, even though I may not have noticed it recently.

It has also been quite a while since I had a good long talk with someone. Even if Daniel does strike me as a very bright person, he also manages to be a very weird one. And thats perfectly fine. Everyone has their own personality. Daniel just seems to have a very unique one. It also seems to be one that I click with, so we get along really well it seems.

So it seems that I have been thinking so much more often now. Many more things seem to be affecting my emotions. All natural occurrences in life of course, but it still causes some problems. Instead of continuing something damaging, I’ve decided to stop it before it even gets off the ground. More often than not, I’ll have to make some harsh decisions about myself and the environment around me.

There are also a few things that just have been bugging the hell out of me for the past week or so. That I’m going to have to rectify before it gets any more worse. Though most of those ‘few things’ really don’t need to be rectified… more like… ignored.

Recently I’ve been feeling more and more lost, but certain people always manage to find me. Its a great feeling when someone manages to find me.

Meant To Be
Tuesday May 24, 2005

There are so many things that I wish I could say. Its just so hard to find the right words. Sometimes I think that there are no words for what I really feel… and that its meant to be that way. That its meant for me to stay closed and never have the chance to lift the burdens that I hold inside.

Usually when I speak about ‘talking’, its usually someone else doing most of the talking while I make short (and sometimes inconsiderate) remarks. There really hasn’t been a time when I could just say the things that I want to, or at least try to explain. Maybe I’ll try, but other things just so happen to get in the way. I’m emo… and that probably will never change. The only difference now is that I show it a lot less. Its hidden so well that there is rarely a time when everyone else has to focus their attention on me. I love it when they do, but I hate it when that happens. Does that make sense? I feel so awesome to have people around me, but I feel like a selfish brat looking for attention. It makes me feel so good… but so horrible at the same time.

See… I can’t explain what I want to say. Its difficult. Its painful.

I love listening to Daniel. He makes conversations so interesting and lively, but hes still focused on the topic. He is definitely one weird person, but thats what makes our conversations so interesting. I just love Kristin. She manages to make me smile everytime… even when I feel so disconnected. Eric is top-tier when it comes to maturity, and it shows in our conversations. He understands so well, and is such a dork… but he just has this welcoming and cool appearance that makes me feel so comfortable. Pat is a warm person, who also makes me smile… but I feel so bad that most of the words out of my mouth are harsh ones. It seems like he is trying to embrace me, but I manage to move him further away. Robyn seems to enjoy spending time with me, and she also manages to make me very happy.

Matt, Jon, Sean, Lauren, Sean, Romie, Joshua, Rosa, Dotty, Mike, Alton, Trisha, Sophie, Chris, Erin, Alex, Mark, Sumai… all these people. I always wonder why I can’t simply be satisfied with this. I know I don’t need more… but I want more. I know that this is pretty much as good as it gets… but I want it to get better.

Tell me what I need to do…

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